We have a fairly tense relationship. On good days, we talk about safe topics like current affairs, what our friends/relatives are doing, how Beth is progressing in school. On bad days, we get into a shouting match because I feel - once again - that she is trying to control my life, that she is not letting me grow up, that she is one-track minded and closed to reality, that she's trying (via long distance) to raise Beth to be a replica of me at the same age.
My strategy for coping? To tell her as little as possible. Stick to neutral topics. Avoid minefields. Anything remotely challenging to her values and her way of life are to be avoided unless it can't be helped.
That includes things like telling her that we're moving to Melb, 7.5 hrs away, and plan to be there for at least 2 years. I don't think I can handle her reaction.
Would she freak out, scream, cry?
Would she make me feel guilty for "abandoning" her?
Would I feel emotionally overwhelmed because of all the complex intricacies of Asian filial piety and feel unable to do anything without her blessing?
Would I be only able to move on with my life if she's not around?
And by then, would I be an angry, bitter, resentful older woman, still steeped in the wounds of the past - and worse - would I have become the mirror image of my mum, the very thing I fear?
2 days ago, I took this whole migration issue to the Lord. I confessed, as best I could, that I was incapable of handling this on my own - there was too much to think about, too many decisions to make, I was confused, I was clueless, I needed His help and guidance and direction. I can't remember the exact words I used, but basically I surrendered the whole matter to Him - just gave up out of exhaustion and desperation and a dim recognition that only He can rescue me from a hopeless situation.
My experience has always been that it is only after I have taken my troubles to the Lord and fully surrendered them and acknowledged His sovereignty and indicated my willingness to do His will, that things start to happen.
And indeed, they are happening again.
Yesterday, I tried calling my mum - I mentally rehearsed over and over the exact words I would say.
"Mum, I have something to tell you. My hubby and I have come to a decision. We're moving to Melb." In between the decision and Melb I thought I'd insert a warm-up: "Remember how I've said I want to study overseas? Well...." (Explosion as Mum reacts)
Funnily, Mum was not at home. Not only that, she didn't return my call, as she normally does when she gets home and checks the calls received on her phone. So I had to stew the entire evening wondering whether I should call her or not.
Finally, I did it this morning.
The conversation went pretty much as planned. Except there wasn't an explosion. Or recrimination. Or tears. Basically, Mum said she couldn't stop us going, but she wanted us to consult my uncle and auntie on the matter, because they have kids working/studying there, and they are in a better position to advise. Like a typical S'porean (which includes me), she highlighted all the cons:
- Erratic Melb weather
- Finances ("Only multimillionaires can afford to go without a job! Why doesn't your hubby go ahead, get a job, settle down, then bring you over?" "Aunty SH is not resigning from her job even though Uncle Kenneth is based in Perth and their daughter is studying there. She wants him to be more stable first.")
- Expensive healthcare (I haven't told her yet that we're PRs)
- Cultural clash ("Beth might mix with the wrong people and have a wrong way of thinking")
- Being 2nd-class citizens
- Being far away from family ("If you need help, we can't get there immediately. By the time we book an air ticket and fly over, it would be 2-3 days.")
- No access to domestic help ("You won't have a maid/confinement nanny to help you!")
The hubby had only 2 words when I called to tell him I'd finally done the deed.
"Well Done."
What a relief to get it out in the open. No more hiding, no more procrastination, no more sleepless nights thinking about how to tell Mum. By God's grace and with His help (I did pray specifically that she would take calmly to the news), the biggest obstacle has been hurdled.
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