Week 18: Update on bb

Have started gaining weight. Am now 52+ kg, up from 48/49 kg in the 1st trimester. Let's hope the gain is moderate and measured, and that I won't surpass my previous 18 kg record.

Am starting to get hunger pangs every 2 hrs. It's now almost 11 am; had 2 slices of wholemeal bread and a cup of hot honey at about 8 am and tummy is growling.

Comparisons with 1st pregnancy

Diet
I've been a lot more lax this time, snacking on all the forbidden foods (chocs, sweet drinks, biscuits, instant noodles) that I restrained myself from touching when I had Beth. My excuse is that I had such a lousy time during the first trimester, I just couldn't stomach any of the good stuff!

Size
Physically, I also feel a lot larger than when I was at the same stage with Beth. Even my next-door neighbour noticed. At 4.5 months, I feel HUGE. It's not a bad thing for my posture, cos it forces me to sit straight when I would otherwise slouch (and squash my tummy!).

bb's moving!
I've also started feeling the flutters (bb's movements), which I'm sure I didn't experience till much later with Beth.

And my belly button has flipped! :)

Post-Prayer Thoughts

Early this morning, I got out my Bible and read 1 Thessalonians. Nothing particularly spoke to me, but it was comforting to know that St. Paul had gone through much worse (beatings, false accusations, shipwrecks, imprisonment), and yet was focussed on how his listeners were doing in their spiritual walk, rather than on his own travails.

I lifted up to God all the things on my mind -

• Bb's health and development, thanking Him for the gift of this child, giving him/her back to the Creator to use as He wills, and in particular asking that bb would grow to love and accept Christ as his/her personal Lord and Saviour
• Our finances
• The paperwork and logistics involved in getting us and Scottie to Melb
• Family's differing views on the whole migration issue.

I particularly asked that He would help us navigate this moral dilemma of wanting to be financially free, that He would help us be debt-free and not ask for more than He intends to give us, that He would help us know Him as Jehovah Jireh (God our Provider) so that we can be free to do His will and give to the needs of others without constantly worrying if we have enough for our family.

Before turning in last night, our family also prayed for health (CA's been down with flu, Beth had fever over the weekend and now has a runny nose and cough, and I've a scratchy throat and was mildly feverish yest), for God to watch over Mum when we're in Melb, and for all the extended family, whatever their views on the migration issue.

In 1 Thessalonians, St. Paul was at pains to emphasize that the new believers should be like him and his co-workers, working hard for their own upkeep and not depending on anyone. That's our role model I guess.

I think what's reassuring to me during this time of preparation is the certain knowledge that God is with us wherever we go - be it here in S'pore or in Melb, that we are never out of His sight or His love, and that nothing we can do (even if the decision to move turns out to be a bad one) can make Him love us less.

And that is the sort of unconditional love we as parents hope to give to our children.

Amen.

Decent Conversation Goes Awry

Had a civil conversation with Mum this morning when she called to say she wouldn't be joining us for dinner. She has physio till 430 pm and isn't comfortable driving at night.

We talked (rather, she talked - I listened) about all the reasons I shouldn't go to Melb now: the baby's safety, my safety, anecdotes of people who spent years abroad and have now decided that S'pore is still home sweet home after all, finances...

It all seemed to be going rather well, and I remember wondering why we couldn't have such decent, unemotional conversations more often? Then Mum ended with:
"Anyway, I can't stop you going lah. I know even if you stay in S'pore you won't look after me....Take care hah?" [End of Call]

I spent a few seconds stewing over that emotionally charged allegation, and decided to let it pass. It's really too much to deal with right now.

Back to errands: today's about calling quotations for shipping Scottie (one pet exporter is charging us almost $1,900, and that's just for the export!) and doing an inventory of the items we want to ship, serial numbers and all (for electrical/electronic items). Quite backbreaking. Hope I don't do myself or bb any harm.

Received 2 emails from kind Uncle K. One was to his finance broker (mortgage broker?) requesting her help (on our behalf) to get a valuation done on the College Square unit and to handle our loan application (our agent PRD is taking eons, tho they promised to expedite). The other was to suggest another meeting with us, this time including Aunty KS and Uncle TG. More distressingly, he says that after a discussion with the others, he feels we need to reconsider our decision to move as we may be introducing too many changes in our lives at the same time.

Sinking feeling....

Went on Google immediately to see what experts and mums-in-similar-straits have to say. Unearthed 2 tremendously reassuring articles: RELOCATING DURING PREGNANCY by Holly Fawcett and FLYING THE PREGNANT SKIES by Mary Dixon Lebeau.

I think what might really make us reconsider would be if Dr Kek says ABSOLUTELY NOT. (When we first mooted the idea to her during the first trimester, she said there was no reason why we couldn't go.) Am not due to see her till 17 Aug. Perhaps I should call and see if she can fit me in earlier on an urgent basis.

I think I'll scream if we don't go. I've already worked myself up into the appropriate frame of mind and gotten halfway there with the planning, and now one of our staunchest supporters says think again.

The crux of the matter is - What does God think?

Back on our knees....

More Drama

Just when I thought I'd settled the biggest problem in the migration maze, I landed myself in another. Apparently, my mum didn't take too well to the news despite what she said over the phone. The very next day, I received 2 calls from Aunty KS to say mum was upset, weepy, felt we were abandoning her to an old folks' home, how could I do this after all she'd sacrificed to bring me up...

Looking back, I ought not to have been surprised, but still, it was a shock to hear Aunty KS retell it. Most of all, I felt like I had been assaulted and that I stood accused of that most heinous Asian sin - lack of filial piety, an emotionally charged issue with complex multiple layers and nuances.

Amongst other things, Aunty KS asked if I was trying to distance myself from my mum (??); suggested that giving 2 months' notice was quite inconsiderate (!!); asked me to imagine Beth doing the same to me; advised me to remember the 10 Commandments, particularly the one that says honour your mother (!!!); recommended that I keep communication lines open by visiting mum and having her over more often over the next 2 months.

I stewed over the conversation that night and Sunday morning (Beth had fever so we stayed home), and finally distilled my thought processes into a 4,000+ word letter which I spent the entire afternoon crafting and recrafting before I sent it by email to Aunty KS, Uncle Kenneth & his wife, with blind copies to hubby and my cousin in MEL. After that, I felt as if I'd unloaded a lifetime of frustration, bitterness, anger and regret - for a while anyway.

Today, I received touching responses from hubby and Uncle K. Thankfully, both expressed support and encouragement. Uncle K even offered help with accommodation and a possible offer of employment in his company (a win-win, he explained, as he needed to hire at least 1 Ozzie or PR to qualify for a business visa). We are meeting up soon to discuss the details.

So a little bit of good has come out of the whole sorry mess, for which I'm thankful to God. It seems to me that after we committed the migration maze into His hands and sought His direction, things started falling in place:

1. We've already had an initial discussion with the movers.
2. I've made some progress with the packing and sorting.
3. Hubby plans to scrap the car by the end of July, and to inform his boss this evening of his intention to resign.
4. My cousin in MEL has offered to help us with transport when we arrive, and to lend us her car when she goes off to the States for a conference.
5. We located affordable temp accommodation (hostel) in MEL CBD, which can be our base while we're househunting and before our things arrive from SIN.
6. We're keeping a lookout for airfares (the cheapest one-way ticket so far is Qantas which flies direct for 7 hrs and costs S$441, ex-taxes).
7. Advice is pouring in from friends in MEL on cost of living, whether to ship our fridge & washing machine (no), how to transport our dog (pet remover).
8. My BIL is renovating his place and will need a place to stay for a while, which is perfect for us as he can move into our place first, stay as long as he likes before helping us rent it out. That would also give us time to find permanent accommodation so that our shippers can do a door-to-door delivery instead of storing our goods for an indefinite period at Port Melb.

What has meant most to me has been the support of our cell group, who has been praying for us; our friend Annie Soh, who not only empathizes with me re my unresolved conflict with my mum and encouraged me to stand firm, but also connected us to her friend Freddy in MEL (who in turn has been most open and generous with info and tips); my cousin in MEL, who helped us shortlist suitable suburbs and hospitals; my BIL who reckons my in-laws would have given us their blessings, even though MIL would have cried; and of course Uncle K.

God bless all these fine folk for their unstinting encouragement!

Crossing the Biggest Hurdle

My greatest fear - insofar as this whole move to Oz is concerned - has been how to break the news of our intentions to Mum.

We have a fairly tense relationship. On good days, we talk about safe topics like current affairs, what our friends/relatives are doing, how Beth is progressing in school. On bad days, we get into a shouting match because I feel - once again - that she is trying to control my life, that she is not letting me grow up, that she is one-track minded and closed to reality, that she's trying (via long distance) to raise Beth to be a replica of me at the same age.

My strategy for coping? To tell her as little as possible. Stick to neutral topics. Avoid minefields. Anything remotely challenging to her values and her way of life are to be avoided unless it can't be helped.

That includes things like telling her that we're moving to Melb, 7.5 hrs away, and plan to be there for at least 2 years. I don't think I can handle her reaction.

Would she freak out, scream, cry?
Would she make me feel guilty for "abandoning" her?
Would I feel emotionally overwhelmed because of all the complex intricacies of Asian filial piety and feel unable to do anything without her blessing?
Would I be only able to move on with my life if she's not around?
And by then, would I be an angry, bitter, resentful older woman, still steeped in the wounds of the past - and worse - would I have become the mirror image of my mum, the very thing I fear?

2 days ago, I took this whole migration issue to the Lord. I confessed, as best I could, that I was incapable of handling this on my own - there was too much to think about, too many decisions to make, I was confused, I was clueless, I needed His help and guidance and direction. I can't remember the exact words I used, but basically I surrendered the whole matter to Him - just gave up out of exhaustion and desperation and a dim recognition that only He can rescue me from a hopeless situation.

My experience has always been that it is only after I have taken my troubles to the Lord and fully surrendered them and acknowledged His sovereignty and indicated my willingness to do His will, that things start to happen.

And indeed, they are happening again.

Yesterday, I tried calling my mum - I mentally rehearsed over and over the exact words I would say.

"Mum, I have something to tell you. My hubby and I have come to a decision. We're moving to Melb." In between the decision and Melb I thought I'd insert a warm-up: "Remember how I've said I want to study overseas? Well...." (Explosion as Mum reacts)

Funnily, Mum was not at home. Not only that, she didn't return my call, as she normally does when she gets home and checks the calls received on her phone. So I had to stew the entire evening wondering whether I should call her or not.

Finally, I did it this morning.

The conversation went pretty much as planned. Except there wasn't an explosion. Or recrimination. Or tears. Basically, Mum said she couldn't stop us going, but she wanted us to consult my uncle and auntie on the matter, because they have kids working/studying there, and they are in a better position to advise. Like a typical S'porean (which includes me), she highlighted all the cons:

• Erratic Melb weather
• Finances ("Only multimillionaires can afford to go without a job! Why doesn't your hubby go ahead, get a job, settle down, then bring you over?" "Aunty SH is not resigning from her job even though Uncle Kenneth is based in Perth and their daughter is studying there. She wants him to be more stable first.")
• Expensive healthcare (I haven't told her yet that we're PRs)
• Cultural clash ("Beth might mix with the wrong people and have a wrong way of thinking")
• Being 2nd-class citizens
• Being far away from family ("If you need help, we can't get there immediately. By the time we book an air ticket and fly over, it would be 2-3 days.")
• No access to domestic help ("You won't have a maid/confinement nanny to help you!")

It's just as well that I spent some time yesterday typing up a 2-page list of FAQs to address all these anticipated issues. They'll come in handy when we sit down to discuss the matter with my uncle and auntie.

The hubby had only 2 words when I called to tell him I'd finally done the deed.

"Well Done."

What a relief to get it out in the open. No more hiding, no more procrastination, no more sleepless nights thinking about how to tell Mum. By God's grace and with His help (I did pray specifically that she would take calmly to the news), the biggest obstacle has been hurdled.

Turning Faith Into Action

I've spent the last 2 days re-reading some good Christian books out of desperation:
-Lewis Smedes' Decision Making in a Complex World
-Os Hillman's The Purposes of Money
-Robert Katz' Biblical Paths to Financial Freedom

2 ideas stand out:

a) LS's suggestion that if there's nothing morally contentious about your intended decision, then a good guide is to CHOOSE RESPONSIBLY.

I have been pondering the meaning of this in the light of our decision to migrate/or not.
Are we being irresponsible by moving without the safety net of a job, or is that line of thinking the product of our sheltered environment and the risk-averse society we live in?

b) Again from LS: Even a wrong choice or bad decision cannot cut us off from God's love, or make Him love us any less than He already does.
That is such a wonderfully comforting thought.

From OH, I'm relearning what it means to seek the Lord and wait upon Him. I am very bad at waiting - I get impatient, I mentally stamp my feet, I want to know NOW whether the answer is Yes, No or Maybe. But if I'm to let God be God, how can I restrict Him with my notions of time and space and logic? He is God.

Interestingly, just this morning, I received a flurry of emails from close friends who know about our Melb dilemma. A dear friend asked hubby to send her his CV as an opening has just come up in Sydney in her company. Hubby turned down the opport and explained that Sydney's not part of our plan.

Another friend, who was the first to know we'd gotten our PR 3 years ago, fired off a series of responses after I'd emailed him this morning - and went a step further. He called - long distance from his office in Mornington! -and basically gave me an earful about waiting so long to decide.
"Indecision is not making a decision."
"If you're moving, better to do it sooner rather than later."

And suggested I rethink Hoppers Crossing/Werribee and consider Newport/Williamstown as our home base. He thinks W is too rednecky (he is, by his own admission, a snob :-)). He approved the choice of W Mercy Hosp tho'.

He ended the conversation with "God's already given you a visa - what more do you want?"
Which was a jaw-dropping, why-didn't-i-see-it revelation. Indeed, short of God telling us specifically Yes or No, how would we know what His will is unless we put it to the test, as it were, by taking one step in faith at a time?

Indecision has always been my greatest failing, and now a dear brother has pointed it out in the most direct way possible.

So - I've made an appointment with a business associate who's a mover specialising in relocations - he's coming by this Sat morning to discuss the details.

And I've just texted another associate who's a lawyer, to execute a Power of Attorney in respect of our HDB flat, so that my bro-in-law can help us rent it out, collect the rentals etc.

We're really winging it by faith, cos I still haven't all the answers to what happens if we don't make our next 10% instalment on our Melb investment property or if the banks turn down our loan application.

Decision Time

It's now Week 17 of the pregnancy, and Beth turns 4 today!

In the past few days, we've had to make some difficult decisions:

- To forgo our Oz PR and deliver the baby here (in case I develop complications and don't have a reliable gynae to fall back on/develop postnatal depression from being all alone in a strange land)
- To apply for PR for baby when he/she is born

I'm so frustrated. We were so close to making THE MOVE until hubby's pals in Melb wrote to discourage us from going without a job. My good friend Y2 agrees. Now an acquaintance in Melb (Annie's pal Freddy) says it's really about what our long term goals for the family are, and that jobs are aplenty if we adjust our expectations. And hubby's pal in Brisbane is glowing with optimism about the state of the B economy and the job prospects.

I don't know what to think anymore, and meanwhile, the clock is ticking.

Christianity & Financial Security

I am confused.

Being a Christian means trusting God to provide for all my needs, including my financial ones, because He is Jehovah Jireh.

So does that mean there's no need for serious financial planning, buying of life policies and endowments, thinking about how I can get more out of my (dwindling) savings, thinking of multiple income streams a la Robert Allen & Robert Kiyosaki?

That can't be, cos we're also asked to be good stewards of our resources.

So what's this biblical prosperity Robert Katz talks about in his book Biblical Roads to Financial Freedom, and Os Hillman's distinction between the 5 fallacies about money vs God's 5 purposes for its use in his book The Purposes of Money?

Then there's my good friend who recently wrote in an email response - "Why do you think Christianity and finances are mutually exclusive...so long as you put God first and do not let $$$ become a god in ur life, all's well. In short, go ahead and make money if the opportunities are there...!"

I will never get the hang of this. I just want to be debt-free (very hard with 2 mortgages, 1 income, and a baby on the way) and to have a little more than enough so I can afford the occasional day out without guilt.

Is that un-Christian to ask?

Week 16: I Want To Cry

All it took was a comment from a glum-looking spouse this evening to sink all my hopes of an adventurous new life in Melbourne.

Apparently, he had received replies from his pals living in Melb. One discouraged him from migrating without a job in hand, saying the job market had changed. The other pointed out the high cost of healthcare in Oz.

Such an anticlimax to the frenzied research and doings of the past week. Just this morning, I'd texted a lawyer contact to enquire about the cost of executing a Power of Attorney (in case we wanted to sublet our flat while we were away). I'd also been in touch with a real estate agent contact to discuss the paperwork for the subletting, and he suggested meeting end-July. Then my cousin living in Melb dropped by to visit and suggested our first rental home be in/around Hoppers Crossing (where she lives!) and that we consider delivering our baby at Werribee Mercy Hospital, near where she works.

I was so pleased, thinking we'd gotten the accomodation and hospital part of things sorted out finally. (Our other option, courtesy of a church brother, is his parents' house in Perth.) I mean, at 16 weeks, I don't have the luxury of time to plan and mull over too many options.

Ok, so we did take our time planning the move (our PR was granted 3 years ago!), but these things happen. No point dwelling on what's past and done.

How do we move forward now?

A member of our cell group recently asked a wise (yet piercing) question:
"Have you 2 prayed about this?"

Evidently, the implication is that if we had, we would know clearly whether it is God's will for us to go or stay. But is it really so simple? My personal experience has been that God doesn't give me clear-cut answers when I ask for help. Sometimes He sends people to guide me. Sometimes things happen and doors open - or close. Sometimes (a lot of the time) nothing happens.

Some say you should get a feeling of peace if something is meant for you. I agree with that - some of the time. But if I feel nothing, does that mean the thing is not for me?

So now we're stuck - to go or not to go?
To wait till the baby is born or just go anyway?
Should we just give up the PR offer and wait till Spouse has a definite job offer?

From a pragmatist's point of view, it makes no sense to go broke trying to live your dream. I don't need to be rich - just not in crushing debt. That would be a great distraction and hardly helpful to God's purposes for my life.

Week 14/15: Officially Safe!

I'm officially into my 2nd trimester, the so-called "safe" period. So why aren't I enjoying my pregnancy yet??

Thanksgiving:

• That I've made it this far in the pregnancy
• That I survived the church retreat in early June, when I was just 11 weeks along and wondering if taking the 860 km road trip to Bt Tinggi, M'sia, and back was a good idea
• That my appetite is picking up (tho' I'm nowhere near having serious cravings or developing a fondness for large and frequent meals)
• That I'm not working F/T (yay!). I really cannot imagine commuting to and from work at peak hours on public transport, jostling with thousands of other commuters and having to stand all the way
• I've started experimenting in the kitchen again (last night it was grilled rosemary chicken; before that it was roast root veg/pan fried chicken breast with mushroom sauce/a Spanish chorizo rice dish that failed spectacularly and had to be hastily buried/tuna macaroni/fried rice which I finally got right after slavishly following a recipe/fusilli with ham and peas in a cream sauce/pear tart and creme caramel for dessert). The hubby has been very encouraging. Just last night he commented that it was a good thing I'd stayed home so he could enjoy his meals.
• Not putting on weight yet. Plenty of time for that, I'm sure. Still hovering at 49 kg mark. When I had Beth I put on 18 kg, which took me a year to lose!

Pet Grouses

• Backache
• Breathlessness (my growing belly feels like it's obstructing my breathing)
• Constipation and digestion issues
• A strange tap-water coating on the tongue that keeps me from fully enjoying the taste of my food
• Interrupted sleep
• Mood swings
• Fatigue. I'm so tired of feeling tired!!