When you were a tiny child, you made your way around the room on your hands and knees, crawling. Everyone around you was walking and one day you decided to give it a try so, little by little, you worked on developing the skills necessary for you to learn to walk. You grabbed onto something above you and pulled yourself upright. You stood up holding onto the table or chair. Wobbling and unsure, you let go, fell down and tried again and again, until you stood up by yourself. Then you took your first step. All alone, all by yourself, hopefully to the cheers and applause of your family.
Baby steps, one at a time and you were walking. In the process of learning to walk you probably spent more time falling than you did succeeding. But did you ever think about quitting? Did you ever tell yourself that you weren't cut out for walking: "guess what; I'm going to crawl for the rest of my life"? No, of course you didn't. So why do you do that now? Why don't you do what you did when you were one or two years old?
The answer is alarming yet simple. Somewhere along the way, you became unwilling to take baby steps. You lost faith in the universal truth that simple disciplines practiced every single day, create success. You forgot the most proven, powerful success philosophy on earth. "The Slight Edge". Winning is always a matter of "The Slight Edge".
If you were to improve by just 0.003 each day that's only 3/10ths of 1%, a very slight edge but if you kept it up for the next five years, here's what would happen to you. The first year you would improve by 100% (you would be twice what you are today in just one year!). In the second year, you would improve by 200% and in the third by 400%. In the fourth year you would improve by 800%! By the end of the fifth year, you would have increased your value, skills and results by 1600%. That's 32 times more than what you are today. Just 3/10ths of 1% per day and that's not compounded! Just adding on three tenths of 1% each day. That's the incredible power of "The Slight Edge".
Remember that "The Slight Edge" is always operating either for you or against you. What you choose to do with it is up to you. "The Slight Edge" is based on the principle that what is easy to do is just as easy not to do. It's easy to get up and go to the gym every morning but it's just as easy to stay in bed and sleep in a little longer. But it's the little disciplines done over time that add up to the biggest accomplishments. The problem is that all those things, reading a book, exercising, eating the right foods, which are easy to do, are just as easy not to do.
Why is something easy not to do? Because if you don't do it, it won't kill you today. But that seemingly simply insignificant error in judgement repeated over time will kill you, destroy you, ruin your chances of success and demolish your dreams....guaranteed. For instance, if you eat a hamburger, it won't kill you today. But if you eat a hamburger everyday, that simple error in judgement compounded over time will ruin the quality of your life and will eventually take your life for ever. Either way "the Slight Edge" is at work.
You've got to choose which way you will go. If it's easy to do, it's also easy not to do. Which way will you choose? Did you know that only 5% of people succeed and 95% of people fail? No matter what realm of life or work you're looking at. It's true. Just one out of 20 people will achieve their goals in life. That's what the numbers say.
Back in the early 50s the Hartford Insurance Company did a survey of 100 college graduates, all approximately 25 years of age. They asked them all one question. "Will you achieve your financial goals within your working life?" They all said yes. Forty years later, in the 1990s Hartford followed up the 100 subjects, who were now 65 years old and found that:· 1 was wealthy· 4 were financially secure· 6 were still working· 35 were dead· 54 were broke having $200 or less to spend each month after they had paid their bills.
Out of the 100 subjects, only 5 had written down their goals. You can guess who they were! Five out of 100 were successful. That's 1 in 20. Why? The answer had to do with the pull of gravity. The downward pull of life. Ask yourself "Where is the expectation and the structure to support me in being a success in my life and work?"
The alarming fact is that outside our formal system of education, which most experts suggest is flawed anyway, there is no expectation or structure for your success - none. We get what we expect and only 5% of us ever expect to win and keep expecting that. Plus we have no structure and no system to support us in succeeding in life.
The predominant force in life is gravity and it's always pulling us down. It pulls 19 out of 20 down. But anyone can break free from the downward pull...........by doing what it's just as easy not to do. Write down your goals, read books, plan, build knowledge. Attend training, seminars then read some more, plan some more, set more goals and so on. Read 20 pages of an inspiring book everyday. Study success, study motivation, study network marketing, and read biographies of people that inspire you. But know that if it's easy to do its also easy not to do.
The choice is up to you. Your future is up to you. Life is not a spectator sport. Lead, follow or get out of the way. Life is a continual process...of growth or decay. Grow and then grow some more. Commit to growth. Learning to learn is committing to the process of growth. Choose to read 20 pages every day and you will have to make that choice every day. Choose to model yourself after the people you admire and who have succeeded in areas where you want to succeed.
Remember that failure will never overtake you if your desire to succeed is strong enough.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Making Your Communications Match
I always knew the importance of matching what I say with what I do, but Bob Scheinfeld puts it more elegantly.
He says our Surface Communications must match our Energetic Communications, otherwise the mismatch will raise a red flag about our intentions and communications and even cause our projects to misfire.
For example, "suppose you have a website and are selling a product through it. You have a sales letter or some sort of text designed to sell it. Suppose at the end of that sales letter you say "And the investment for this product is $699" but you secretly have thoughts that $699 is too much, and no one will buy at that price, there's an energetic reference to that which others can sense and it creates a mismatch."
I know EXACTLY what that means because I do it all the time. As a freelance writer, I've occasionally stabbed myself in the foot by deliberately underquoting my fees because I was afraid potential customers might think I was charging too much.
He says our Surface Communications must match our Energetic Communications, otherwise the mismatch will raise a red flag about our intentions and communications and even cause our projects to misfire.
For example, "suppose you have a website and are selling a product through it. You have a sales letter or some sort of text designed to sell it. Suppose at the end of that sales letter you say "And the investment for this product is $699" but you secretly have thoughts that $699 is too much, and no one will buy at that price, there's an energetic reference to that which others can sense and it creates a mismatch."
I know EXACTLY what that means because I do it all the time. As a freelance writer, I've occasionally stabbed myself in the foot by deliberately underquoting my fees because I was afraid potential customers might think I was charging too much.
Who Trusts You?
Try this fun quiz from Stephen Covey to find out how your contacts rank you on trustworthiness.
Monday, May 21, 2007
What is Persistence, and when should you NOT persist?
This piece is extracted from Steve Pavlina's article on the 5 Pillars of Self-Discipline. One new thing I learned was that it is sometimes OK to give up. This is news to those of us who've been conditioned to think that giving up = failure (there's an amazing NLP presupposition that says All Failure Is Feedback, but that's another article altogether).
A lack of persistence is one of the surest ways to a dead end. How will you succeed if you give up way before you get there? Sounds obvious doesn't it? So why do people struggle with hanging on long enough to reap the fruits of their hard work? I'm keen to know the answer, because a lack of P is one of my major life challenges, or what Dr Wayne Dyer calls an Erroneous Zone, an area of my life I need to work at eradicating.
What Is Persistence?
Persistence is the ability to maintain action regardless of your feelings. You press on even when you feel like quitting.
When you work on any big goal, your motivation will wax and wane like waves hitting the shore. Sometimes you’ll feel motivated; sometimes you won’t. But it’s not your motivation that will produce results — it’s your action. Persistence allows you to keep taking action even when you don’t feel motivated to do so, and therefore you keep accumulating results.
Persistence will ultimately provide its own motivation. If you simply keep taking action, you’ll eventually get results, and results can be very motivating. For example, you may become a lot more enthusiastic about dieting and exercising once you’ve lost those first 10 pounds and feel your clothes fitting more loosely.
When to Give Up
Should you always persist and never give up? Certainly not. Sometimes giving up is clearly the best option.
Have you ever heard of a company called Traf-O-Data? What about Microsoft? Both companies were started by Bill Gates and Paul Allen. Traf-O-Data was the first company they started, back in 1972. You can read the story of Traf-O-Data here. Gates and Allen ran it for several years before throwing in the towel. They gave up. Of course they did a little better with Microsoft.
If they hadn’t given up on Traf-O-Data, then we wouldn’t have such rich collections of Microsoft and Bill Gates jokes today.
So how do you know when to press on vs. when to give up?
Is your plan still correct? If not, update the plan. Is your goal still correct? If not, update or abandon your goal. There’s no honor in clinging to a goal that no longer inspires you. Persistence is not stubbornness.
This was a particularly difficult lesson for me to learn. I had always believed one should never give up, that once you set a goal, you should hang on to the bitter end. The captain goes down with the ship and all that. If I ever failed to finish a project I started, I’d feel very guilty about it.
Eventually I figured out that this is just nonsense.
If you’re growing at all as a human being, then you’re going to be a different person each year than you were the previous year. And if you consciously pursue personal development, then the changes will often be dramatic and rapid. You can’t guarantee that the goals you set today will still be ones you’ll want to achieve a year from now.
My first business was Dexterity Software. I started it in 1994, fresh out of college. But after running it for more than a decade, I was ready for something new. I still run Dexterity on the side, but it’s not my full-time focus anymore. It takes me only about an hour or two a week to maintain it, partly because I designed it to be as automated as possible and to provide me with a passive income. It was successful to the extent I wanted it to be. I could have continued to grow it much larger, but I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life making computer games. Creating my own game company was my dream at age 22, and after publishing a couple dozen games, I feel I accomplished that goal. 22-year old Steve is very satisfied. But today I have different dreams.
Did I give up on Dexterity? You could say that, but it would be more accurate to say that I was infected by a new vision of something that was far more important to me. Had I stubbornly persisted with Dexterity, this site would never have existed. I’d be working on a new game instead of my first book.
In order to make room for new goals, we have to delete or complete old ones. And sometimes new goals are so compelling and inspiring that there’s no time to complete old ones — they have to be abandoned half-finished. I’ve always found it uncomfortable to do this, but I know it’s necessary. The hard part is consciously deciding to delete an old project, knowing it will never be finished. I have a file full of game ideas and some prototypes for new games that will never see the light of day. Consciously deciding that those projects have to be abandoned was really hard for me. It took me a long time to come to grips with it. But it was necessary for my own growth to be able to do this.
I still had to solve the problem of setting goals that might become obsolete in a year due to my own personal growth. How did I solve this problem? I cheated. I figured out the only way I could set long-term goals that would stick would be if they were aligned with my own process of growth. The pursuit of personal growth has long been a stable constant for me, even though it’s paradoxically in flux at the same time. So instead of trying to set fixed goals as I did with my games business, I began setting broader more dynamic goals that were aligned with my own growth. This new business allows me to pursue my personal growth full-out and to share what I learn with others. So growth itself is the goal, both for myself and others. This creates a symbiotic relationship, whereby helping others feeds back into my own growth, which in turn generates new ideas for helping others. Anyone who’s been reading this site since last year has probably seen that effect in action.
The direct and conscious pursuit of personal growth is the only type of mission that would work for me. If I made it my mission to master real estate investing, for example, I’d probably become bored with it after a few years. Since I want to keep growing indefinitely, I have to maintain a certain level of challenge and keep raising the bar ever higher. I can’t let things get too dull and risk falling into a pattern of complacency.
The value of persistence comes not from stubbornly clinging to the past. It comes from a vision of the future that’s so compelling you would give almost anything to make it real. The vision I have of my future now is far greater than the one I had for Dexterity. To be able to help people grow and to solve their most difficult problems is far more inspiring to me than entertaining people. These values started oozing out of me as I ran Dexterity because I favored logic puzzle games that challenged people to think, often passing up the opportunity to publish games I felt would make money but which wouldn’t provide much real value to people.
Persistence of action comes from persistence of vision. When you’re super-clear about what you want in such a way that your vision doesn’t change much, you’ll be consistent in your actions. And that consistency of action will produce consistency of results.
Can you identify a part of your life where you’ve demonstrated a pattern of long-term persistence? I think if you can identify such an area, it may provide a clue to your mission — something you can work towards where passion and self-discipline function synergistically.
A lack of persistence is one of the surest ways to a dead end. How will you succeed if you give up way before you get there? Sounds obvious doesn't it? So why do people struggle with hanging on long enough to reap the fruits of their hard work? I'm keen to know the answer, because a lack of P is one of my major life challenges, or what Dr Wayne Dyer calls an Erroneous Zone, an area of my life I need to work at eradicating.
What Is Persistence?
Persistence is the ability to maintain action regardless of your feelings. You press on even when you feel like quitting.
When you work on any big goal, your motivation will wax and wane like waves hitting the shore. Sometimes you’ll feel motivated; sometimes you won’t. But it’s not your motivation that will produce results — it’s your action. Persistence allows you to keep taking action even when you don’t feel motivated to do so, and therefore you keep accumulating results.
Persistence will ultimately provide its own motivation. If you simply keep taking action, you’ll eventually get results, and results can be very motivating. For example, you may become a lot more enthusiastic about dieting and exercising once you’ve lost those first 10 pounds and feel your clothes fitting more loosely.
When to Give Up
Should you always persist and never give up? Certainly not. Sometimes giving up is clearly the best option.
Have you ever heard of a company called Traf-O-Data? What about Microsoft? Both companies were started by Bill Gates and Paul Allen. Traf-O-Data was the first company they started, back in 1972. You can read the story of Traf-O-Data here. Gates and Allen ran it for several years before throwing in the towel. They gave up. Of course they did a little better with Microsoft.
If they hadn’t given up on Traf-O-Data, then we wouldn’t have such rich collections of Microsoft and Bill Gates jokes today.
So how do you know when to press on vs. when to give up?
Is your plan still correct? If not, update the plan. Is your goal still correct? If not, update or abandon your goal. There’s no honor in clinging to a goal that no longer inspires you. Persistence is not stubbornness.
This was a particularly difficult lesson for me to learn. I had always believed one should never give up, that once you set a goal, you should hang on to the bitter end. The captain goes down with the ship and all that. If I ever failed to finish a project I started, I’d feel very guilty about it.
Eventually I figured out that this is just nonsense.
If you’re growing at all as a human being, then you’re going to be a different person each year than you were the previous year. And if you consciously pursue personal development, then the changes will often be dramatic and rapid. You can’t guarantee that the goals you set today will still be ones you’ll want to achieve a year from now.
My first business was Dexterity Software. I started it in 1994, fresh out of college. But after running it for more than a decade, I was ready for something new. I still run Dexterity on the side, but it’s not my full-time focus anymore. It takes me only about an hour or two a week to maintain it, partly because I designed it to be as automated as possible and to provide me with a passive income. It was successful to the extent I wanted it to be. I could have continued to grow it much larger, but I knew I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life making computer games. Creating my own game company was my dream at age 22, and after publishing a couple dozen games, I feel I accomplished that goal. 22-year old Steve is very satisfied. But today I have different dreams.
Did I give up on Dexterity? You could say that, but it would be more accurate to say that I was infected by a new vision of something that was far more important to me. Had I stubbornly persisted with Dexterity, this site would never have existed. I’d be working on a new game instead of my first book.
In order to make room for new goals, we have to delete or complete old ones. And sometimes new goals are so compelling and inspiring that there’s no time to complete old ones — they have to be abandoned half-finished. I’ve always found it uncomfortable to do this, but I know it’s necessary. The hard part is consciously deciding to delete an old project, knowing it will never be finished. I have a file full of game ideas and some prototypes for new games that will never see the light of day. Consciously deciding that those projects have to be abandoned was really hard for me. It took me a long time to come to grips with it. But it was necessary for my own growth to be able to do this.
I still had to solve the problem of setting goals that might become obsolete in a year due to my own personal growth. How did I solve this problem? I cheated. I figured out the only way I could set long-term goals that would stick would be if they were aligned with my own process of growth. The pursuit of personal growth has long been a stable constant for me, even though it’s paradoxically in flux at the same time. So instead of trying to set fixed goals as I did with my games business, I began setting broader more dynamic goals that were aligned with my own growth. This new business allows me to pursue my personal growth full-out and to share what I learn with others. So growth itself is the goal, both for myself and others. This creates a symbiotic relationship, whereby helping others feeds back into my own growth, which in turn generates new ideas for helping others. Anyone who’s been reading this site since last year has probably seen that effect in action.
The direct and conscious pursuit of personal growth is the only type of mission that would work for me. If I made it my mission to master real estate investing, for example, I’d probably become bored with it after a few years. Since I want to keep growing indefinitely, I have to maintain a certain level of challenge and keep raising the bar ever higher. I can’t let things get too dull and risk falling into a pattern of complacency.
The value of persistence comes not from stubbornly clinging to the past. It comes from a vision of the future that’s so compelling you would give almost anything to make it real. The vision I have of my future now is far greater than the one I had for Dexterity. To be able to help people grow and to solve their most difficult problems is far more inspiring to me than entertaining people. These values started oozing out of me as I ran Dexterity because I favored logic puzzle games that challenged people to think, often passing up the opportunity to publish games I felt would make money but which wouldn’t provide much real value to people.
Persistence of action comes from persistence of vision. When you’re super-clear about what you want in such a way that your vision doesn’t change much, you’ll be consistent in your actions. And that consistency of action will produce consistency of results.
Can you identify a part of your life where you’ve demonstrated a pattern of long-term persistence? I think if you can identify such an area, it may provide a clue to your mission — something you can work towards where passion and self-discipline function synergistically.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Unless ye be as little children...
Children are wonderful teachers.
From spending time with my baby, I have learnt so much that's important in life.
Like the meaning of Persistence.
Baby J does not know the meaning of "can't be done". If she can't flip over onto her tummy today, she'll keep at it until she does. And after that she'll keep doing it (with an expression of gleeful achievement besides) until it's fully a part of her daily physical routine.
Likewise, I expect that when it's time for the crawling and walking, she'll display the same never-say-never attitude and keep at it until she gets there.
So why is it that I give up before I see success?
Recently, I was listening to a recorded call by Richard Dennis on blogging. He said something that really resonated with me. He says the reason 99% of people fail is that they give up too soon on doing those positive actions each day that lead to success, and they give up because they do not see anything happening.
There will be a period of time, he says, when success is INVISIBLE. And that is precisely why we should keep doing the things we ought. Forget about what we can't see. Forget the why. Just keep beavering away and being consistent and disciplined about doing the little things, and the little things will eventually lead to the big things.
That's a huge paraphrase of what he actually said, but it's an interpretation that makes sense to me.
Especially when I look at my baby and realize that she doesn't enjoy instant success from all her attempts at mobility and independence, but it sure doesn't stop her, and eventually - which is the important thing - she gets to the place of achievement and becomes mobile and independent.
Powerful, but simple.
And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.
From spending time with my baby, I have learnt so much that's important in life.
Like the meaning of Persistence.
Baby J does not know the meaning of "can't be done". If she can't flip over onto her tummy today, she'll keep at it until she does. And after that she'll keep doing it (with an expression of gleeful achievement besides) until it's fully a part of her daily physical routine.
Likewise, I expect that when it's time for the crawling and walking, she'll display the same never-say-never attitude and keep at it until she gets there.
So why is it that I give up before I see success?
Recently, I was listening to a recorded call by Richard Dennis on blogging. He said something that really resonated with me. He says the reason 99% of people fail is that they give up too soon on doing those positive actions each day that lead to success, and they give up because they do not see anything happening.
There will be a period of time, he says, when success is INVISIBLE. And that is precisely why we should keep doing the things we ought. Forget about what we can't see. Forget the why. Just keep beavering away and being consistent and disciplined about doing the little things, and the little things will eventually lead to the big things.
That's a huge paraphrase of what he actually said, but it's an interpretation that makes sense to me.
Especially when I look at my baby and realize that she doesn't enjoy instant success from all her attempts at mobility and independence, but it sure doesn't stop her, and eventually - which is the important thing - she gets to the place of achievement and becomes mobile and independent.
Powerful, but simple.
And you shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free.
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The One-A-Day Technique
I am really excited about an idea that hit me on the head yesterday. It was one of those blinding moments of clarity when you wonder, "Why didn't I think of this before?" I call it the One-A-Day technique, and it's my way of cutting through the thousands of to-do's that blindside me from my goals everyday.
A little bit of background first.
I am notoriously obsessive-compulsive/perfectionist, get endlessly absorbed and sidetracked by trivia, and would probably be diagnosed as having ADHD/ADD today. I love starting things but have trouble finishing them, and am continually walking back and forth in that no man's land between Vision and Implementation.
Yesterday, I was (again) in despair over the number of things undone/to be done, when I had my moment of clarity.
What if, WHAT IF, instead of trying to do everything everyday, I dedicated ONE day of the week to a specific theme and did things centred around that theme? Wouldn't that be more productive, more interesting, and a more organized way to live?
So for instance, Mondays could be for my organics business. Every Monday, I could have a list of action items to move me forward in my business. Call a prospect. Check the business website for updates. Join a live conference call. Listen to a recorded training call. Do a business review.
Tuesdays could be my Internet Marketing day. That's the day I could catch up on my ezine/newsletter subscriptions, do some homework on the SBI Action Guide, listen to a training call or audio CD, apply the techniques I learn.
Wednesdays could be my Coaching day, the day I work at building my coaching practice, study training options, investigate the coaching resources on the Web, write a personal development article.
And so on.
Once I got down to listing all the action items under each theme, it was easy to see how I could do one or two things each day that would help me move a bit nearer my final destination, and Developing A Passive Income or Becoming A Certified Career Coach no longer seems like a dream that's light years away.
Try it yourself and see!
Serena Tan is a self-directed, wellbeing-loving info junkie and personal development addict who regards herself as one giant Work-In-Progress. Her biggest challenge is learning how to live deliberately and joyfully in the Present.
A little bit of background first.
I am notoriously obsessive-compulsive/perfectionist, get endlessly absorbed and sidetracked by trivia, and would probably be diagnosed as having ADHD/ADD today. I love starting things but have trouble finishing them, and am continually walking back and forth in that no man's land between Vision and Implementation.
Yesterday, I was (again) in despair over the number of things undone/to be done, when I had my moment of clarity.
What if, WHAT IF, instead of trying to do everything everyday, I dedicated ONE day of the week to a specific theme and did things centred around that theme? Wouldn't that be more productive, more interesting, and a more organized way to live?
So for instance, Mondays could be for my organics business. Every Monday, I could have a list of action items to move me forward in my business. Call a prospect. Check the business website for updates. Join a live conference call. Listen to a recorded training call. Do a business review.
Tuesdays could be my Internet Marketing day. That's the day I could catch up on my ezine/newsletter subscriptions, do some homework on the SBI Action Guide, listen to a training call or audio CD, apply the techniques I learn.
Wednesdays could be my Coaching day, the day I work at building my coaching practice, study training options, investigate the coaching resources on the Web, write a personal development article.
And so on.
Once I got down to listing all the action items under each theme, it was easy to see how I could do one or two things each day that would help me move a bit nearer my final destination, and Developing A Passive Income or Becoming A Certified Career Coach no longer seems like a dream that's light years away.
Try it yourself and see!
Serena Tan is a self-directed, wellbeing-loving info junkie and personal development addict who regards herself as one giant Work-In-Progress. Her biggest challenge is learning how to live deliberately and joyfully in the Present.
Monday, May 14, 2007
How to be a great conversationalist
I learnt some powerful pointers about conversation skills from Brian Tracy today.
First, pause before replying.
A short pause of 3-5 secs accomplishes 3 things:
a. It gives the other person a chance to catch his breath before continuing, without you risking interrupting him before he's finished speaking.
b. It shows the person you're seriously thinking about what he's saying.
c. You will hear the other person better.
Comment:
This is something I could really practise. I am notorious for jumping in with my own 2 cents, and 99% of the time I end up interrupting the other person, and causing the conversation to become disjointed and awkward. It's as if one part of me feels I'm on a time budget and if I don't use up my allocated time to speak, it will be forfeited.
Second, ask for clarification. Say "What do you mean, exactly?"
Brian says this is the most powerful question he's ever learned for controlling a conversation because it's impossible not to answer.
Comment:
If you ask a close-ended question, the other person could just answer Yes/No and volunteer no further information, causing the conversation to grind to a halt. With an open-ended conversation, you're pushing the ball back into the other person's court and he has to think of how to answer because he can't rely on a simple Yes/No.
Third, paraphrase the other person's words. This demonstrates attentiveness.
Benefits of Effective Listening
Listening builds trust.
Listening builds the other person's self-esteem.
Listening builds discipline - it take real effort to listen well. If you're able to do that, you're actually developing your own character and personality.
First, pause before replying.
A short pause of 3-5 secs accomplishes 3 things:
a. It gives the other person a chance to catch his breath before continuing, without you risking interrupting him before he's finished speaking.
b. It shows the person you're seriously thinking about what he's saying.
c. You will hear the other person better.
Comment:
This is something I could really practise. I am notorious for jumping in with my own 2 cents, and 99% of the time I end up interrupting the other person, and causing the conversation to become disjointed and awkward. It's as if one part of me feels I'm on a time budget and if I don't use up my allocated time to speak, it will be forfeited.
Second, ask for clarification. Say "What do you mean, exactly?"
Brian says this is the most powerful question he's ever learned for controlling a conversation because it's impossible not to answer.
Comment:
If you ask a close-ended question, the other person could just answer Yes/No and volunteer no further information, causing the conversation to grind to a halt. With an open-ended conversation, you're pushing the ball back into the other person's court and he has to think of how to answer because he can't rely on a simple Yes/No.
Third, paraphrase the other person's words. This demonstrates attentiveness.
Benefits of Effective Listening
Listening builds trust.
Listening builds the other person's self-esteem.
Listening builds discipline - it take real effort to listen well. If you're able to do that, you're actually developing your own character and personality.
Wednesday, May 09, 2007
Believe It... or Don't
Many of us have limiting beliefs about ourselves and our capabilities. They lurk there, in the dark crannies of our minds, just waiting to sabotage some of our best efforts.
How many times do we have success after success, until WHAM, something happens in our mental processes which then prevents us moving in that same direction. The next step is often to give up. It seems that no matter how hard I try, something is blocking me, and preventing me from getting what I want in my life.
Of course, some times this happens because my goal setting is not clear and precise. I might have goals that are dependent on another person, or other factors over which I have no control.
Sometimes it might be because unconsciously I find my present situation more congenial than the possible impending changes that are potentially just over the horizon. What is fairly predictable is that if I think I can't do something, then I can't.
The person who says I can and the person who says I can't are both right. Whatever I think about myself, I will find there is evidence to support it.
Exploring Beliefs
Typically, beliefs are in place before the behaviour occurs. A person is going to believe that he or she can do something before he or she actually goes to do it. Commitment occurs, and then the brain goes through the feedback mechanisms to guide behaviour into the activity.
Beliefs are only a map. They are only a partial representation of the territory. Therefore, a well-formed belief is not going to be based on the statistics available to support it, rather on primarily one factor: how well it serves the individual.
Our beliefs are very powerful, helping us to get a sense of certainty and direction in an unpredictable world. They are so powerful, in fact, that we sometimes don't remember that they're not necessarily 'true'.
At some point in our lives our beliefs might have been useful. However, many beliefs are context dependent. When the context changes, they can become limiting beliefs. "Crossing the road is too dangerous" was a useful belief when I was a small child. However, now I am an adult, I need to modify that belief, or ditch it altogether. It is not useful for me, as an adult, to be stuck on the side of the road, unable to cross because of a belief I had instilled into me as a child.
As coaches, we meet limiting beliefs in many people, even ourselves! One way forward is to use a question from the NLP skill-set: "How do you know that?" Or "How do I know that?"
This will help to discover there is good evidence for maintaining the belief, or not enough evidence to make it worthwhile sustaining it.
If I find beliefs that are no longer useful, then it is good practice to change them or replace them with some beliefs that will strengthen me. Like goals, it is most useful to write them down, and write them down in a positive way.
I once had a mentor who taught me 'fake it until you make it'. Milton Erickson, an extraordinary communicator and therapist, used to say "You can pretend anything and master it."
So the next step is to act as if the new positive belief is true. Take courage as you explore (and change?) your limiting beliefs!
Rick Bowie is a professional Life Coach and LCI Graduate who specialises in NLP, Conflict Management and Public Speaking. To find out more about Rick's qualifications and services, visit his Find A Coach profile.
How many times do we have success after success, until WHAM, something happens in our mental processes which then prevents us moving in that same direction. The next step is often to give up. It seems that no matter how hard I try, something is blocking me, and preventing me from getting what I want in my life.
Of course, some times this happens because my goal setting is not clear and precise. I might have goals that are dependent on another person, or other factors over which I have no control.
Sometimes it might be because unconsciously I find my present situation more congenial than the possible impending changes that are potentially just over the horizon. What is fairly predictable is that if I think I can't do something, then I can't.
The person who says I can and the person who says I can't are both right. Whatever I think about myself, I will find there is evidence to support it.
Exploring Beliefs
Typically, beliefs are in place before the behaviour occurs. A person is going to believe that he or she can do something before he or she actually goes to do it. Commitment occurs, and then the brain goes through the feedback mechanisms to guide behaviour into the activity.
Beliefs are only a map. They are only a partial representation of the territory. Therefore, a well-formed belief is not going to be based on the statistics available to support it, rather on primarily one factor: how well it serves the individual.
Our beliefs are very powerful, helping us to get a sense of certainty and direction in an unpredictable world. They are so powerful, in fact, that we sometimes don't remember that they're not necessarily 'true'.
At some point in our lives our beliefs might have been useful. However, many beliefs are context dependent. When the context changes, they can become limiting beliefs. "Crossing the road is too dangerous" was a useful belief when I was a small child. However, now I am an adult, I need to modify that belief, or ditch it altogether. It is not useful for me, as an adult, to be stuck on the side of the road, unable to cross because of a belief I had instilled into me as a child.
As coaches, we meet limiting beliefs in many people, even ourselves! One way forward is to use a question from the NLP skill-set: "How do you know that?" Or "How do I know that?"
This will help to discover there is good evidence for maintaining the belief, or not enough evidence to make it worthwhile sustaining it.
If I find beliefs that are no longer useful, then it is good practice to change them or replace them with some beliefs that will strengthen me. Like goals, it is most useful to write them down, and write them down in a positive way.
I once had a mentor who taught me 'fake it until you make it'. Milton Erickson, an extraordinary communicator and therapist, used to say "You can pretend anything and master it."
So the next step is to act as if the new positive belief is true. Take courage as you explore (and change?) your limiting beliefs!
Rick Bowie is a professional Life Coach and LCI Graduate who specialises in NLP, Conflict Management and Public Speaking. To find out more about Rick's qualifications and services, visit his Find A Coach profile.
Be Grateful, Give Thanks and Discover Life
"If the only prayer you said in your life was "thank you," that would suffice."
-- Meister Eckhart
Gratitude, such a simple word but one rarely used appropriately. It can be one of the most challenging things to do or say. Why is that? Consider for a moment how often you use the word and mean it, not just as a habit, when someone does something for you. How often do you pause and reflect on all the wonderful things you have in your life that you are thankful for?
Gratitude is an appreciation of what you have and being thankful for all of it. But it is so much more than that - it is an attitude toward life. This attitude is the blueprint for your life. A life devoid of thankfulness is a life devoid of love and passion. Without it, nothing new can enter your life. If you don't appreciate what you have, how can you receive anything more?
What does this all mean? It means that whatever you are waiting for (abundance, happiness, contentment, success), will come to you only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.
Only then can you truly experience the gift you have been given. Even in pain and suffering, there are lessons to learn if you are open and grateful for the experience. That is why some of the most profound lessons have come in times of suffering. Nelson Mandela said, "There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires."
Being grateful reminds all to focus on what is good in your life. Too many times, the focus is on what you don't have which creates feelings of resentment and bitterness. Life is never as bad as it seems. It is all about your perception. It is your attitude that created the environment you have. Hence, focus on the good in your life and what you want to create and you shall receive, as the Law of Attraction states.
Use Positive Language
Don't use words like 'but', 'at least', 'in the future'. (For example, "I am happy but..." "At least I have my health"). These suggest a superficial form of gratitude. You know you should be content but it's not enough. You temporarily feel grateful but your attitude is artificial because you want more.
There is nothing wrong with wanting more but your attitude determines your sincerity. Instead use statements like "I am grateful for this experience that has come into my life. It has been the catalyst for change."
Say It Like You Mean It
You just can't say the words. You have to mean what you say, feel it and believe it. "I am grateful for this experience, I've learnt so much." You can't say this and then turn around and say, "Why is this happening to me, I don't deserve this." This implies that you are not grateful and don't believe what you are saying. You are just saying it for the sake of it. At first you may not believe the statement but if you repeat it often enough you will eventually come to mean it and understand it.
Do It with Actions
Back up your words with actions. If you are grateful for having the experience, don't harp on the negatives - learn your lesson and move on. If the same experience keeps repeating itself you are not learning your lesson. You are focusing only on the negatives and you are not choosing to see the positives. There are always positives in any situation. It is up to you to find them.
Use Gratitude Every Day
Every morning when you wake up, be grateful that you are seeing another day as there are many people who won't. This simple ritual will change your attitude each day and transform your life.
One of the great truths is that life itself is a gift. Being grateful for this existence and this experience is independent of situations and circumstances. You choose this attitude towards your life. As your practice this more and more, it becomes part of your reality and it encompasses all that you do. As you move towards 'being' grateful all the time you activate the Law of Attraction because it becomes a part of you and you will attract circumstances you want.
As John F. Kennedy said, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
For more information contact Anna Cairo at: apc@izone.net.au or 0417 010 877. She is also a graduate from the Certificate IV in Life Coaching. For more information about Anna and her life coaching services, visit her Institute page at www.lcia.com.au/annacairo.
-- Meister Eckhart
Gratitude, such a simple word but one rarely used appropriately. It can be one of the most challenging things to do or say. Why is that? Consider for a moment how often you use the word and mean it, not just as a habit, when someone does something for you. How often do you pause and reflect on all the wonderful things you have in your life that you are thankful for?
Gratitude is an appreciation of what you have and being thankful for all of it. But it is so much more than that - it is an attitude toward life. This attitude is the blueprint for your life. A life devoid of thankfulness is a life devoid of love and passion. Without it, nothing new can enter your life. If you don't appreciate what you have, how can you receive anything more?
What does this all mean? It means that whatever you are waiting for (abundance, happiness, contentment, success), will come to you only when you are ready to receive it with an open and grateful heart.
Only then can you truly experience the gift you have been given. Even in pain and suffering, there are lessons to learn if you are open and grateful for the experience. That is why some of the most profound lessons have come in times of suffering. Nelson Mandela said, "There is no easy walk to freedom anywhere, and many of us will have to pass through the valley of the shadow of death again and again before we reach the mountaintop of our desires."
Being grateful reminds all to focus on what is good in your life. Too many times, the focus is on what you don't have which creates feelings of resentment and bitterness. Life is never as bad as it seems. It is all about your perception. It is your attitude that created the environment you have. Hence, focus on the good in your life and what you want to create and you shall receive, as the Law of Attraction states.
Use Positive Language
Don't use words like 'but', 'at least', 'in the future'. (For example, "I am happy but..." "At least I have my health"). These suggest a superficial form of gratitude. You know you should be content but it's not enough. You temporarily feel grateful but your attitude is artificial because you want more.
There is nothing wrong with wanting more but your attitude determines your sincerity. Instead use statements like "I am grateful for this experience that has come into my life. It has been the catalyst for change."
Say It Like You Mean It
You just can't say the words. You have to mean what you say, feel it and believe it. "I am grateful for this experience, I've learnt so much." You can't say this and then turn around and say, "Why is this happening to me, I don't deserve this." This implies that you are not grateful and don't believe what you are saying. You are just saying it for the sake of it. At first you may not believe the statement but if you repeat it often enough you will eventually come to mean it and understand it.
Do It with Actions
Back up your words with actions. If you are grateful for having the experience, don't harp on the negatives - learn your lesson and move on. If the same experience keeps repeating itself you are not learning your lesson. You are focusing only on the negatives and you are not choosing to see the positives. There are always positives in any situation. It is up to you to find them.
Use Gratitude Every Day
Every morning when you wake up, be grateful that you are seeing another day as there are many people who won't. This simple ritual will change your attitude each day and transform your life.
One of the great truths is that life itself is a gift. Being grateful for this existence and this experience is independent of situations and circumstances. You choose this attitude towards your life. As your practice this more and more, it becomes part of your reality and it encompasses all that you do. As you move towards 'being' grateful all the time you activate the Law of Attraction because it becomes a part of you and you will attract circumstances you want.
As John F. Kennedy said, "As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
For more information contact Anna Cairo at: apc@izone.net.au or 0417 010 877. She is also a graduate from the Certificate IV in Life Coaching. For more information about Anna and her life coaching services, visit her Institute page at www.lcia.com.au/annacairo.
Thursday, May 03, 2007
Identify and Exploit Your Natural Talents by MyGoalManager.com
Every single human being has special gifts and abilities that are naturally hardwired into them. You were born with a unique combination of talents giving you capabilities in certain areas that exceed most other people. These innate talents need only be realized and properly leveraged to achieve the greatness that you were meant to achieve.
It is critical to your sense of worth and your stewardship of the gifts you were born with to stay on the path that makes best use of your talents and strengths. Living in a role that asks you to be something that you are not causes nothing but frustration, anger, and unhappiness. When you discover your natural talents and strengths you become aware of who you really are and gain true self awareness. The highest levels of accomplishment and happiness are achieved from identifying your talents and following a Goal Plan that best utilizes these strengths.
An exciting thing about talents is that they simply need to be honed and used creatively to produce amazing achievements that seem unfathomable to others. Your strengths when used properly will greatly outshine and overcome weaknesses. Talents should be identified and utilized towards setting and achieving your goals. When you realize that you are in the midst of something native to your authentic self you become passionate about everything you do. Your passion is ignited when you reconnect with what you were made to do and who you were made to be.
Nothing is more natural than your talents, and your unique gifts are what set you apart and make you a winner. Everyone has things that they learn very quickly and execute almost effortlessly with amazing results. The activities you excel at reveal your natural gifts and talents.
Once you realize and capitalize on your talents your confidence goes up because you start to have more success and realize how talented you really are. You begin to recognize and take advantage of more opportunities to excel when you realize "Hey, I can do that!". Many people have little sense of their true talents and strengths or discover them late in life. Once you discover these natural talents you become immediately enlightened.
An easy to use tool has just been added to MyGoalManager.com's Achievement System that helps in determining and recording your true natural Talents and Strengths which form the foundation of your Goal Plan. This new section is included at no extra cost in the Goal Achievement System. You can use this tool now by logging in to your account at: http://www.MyGoalManager.com/login.aspx
Then click on the Menu Item under "Create Plan" called "Record Talents and Strengths".
Commit to putting your natural aptitudes into action now to achieve greatness and create an extraordinary life. How much time, effort, and money is it worth to know those activities and qualities with which you naturally excel? This could well be the most valuable exercise you ever do.
It is critical to your sense of worth and your stewardship of the gifts you were born with to stay on the path that makes best use of your talents and strengths. Living in a role that asks you to be something that you are not causes nothing but frustration, anger, and unhappiness. When you discover your natural talents and strengths you become aware of who you really are and gain true self awareness. The highest levels of accomplishment and happiness are achieved from identifying your talents and following a Goal Plan that best utilizes these strengths.
An exciting thing about talents is that they simply need to be honed and used creatively to produce amazing achievements that seem unfathomable to others. Your strengths when used properly will greatly outshine and overcome weaknesses. Talents should be identified and utilized towards setting and achieving your goals. When you realize that you are in the midst of something native to your authentic self you become passionate about everything you do. Your passion is ignited when you reconnect with what you were made to do and who you were made to be.
Nothing is more natural than your talents, and your unique gifts are what set you apart and make you a winner. Everyone has things that they learn very quickly and execute almost effortlessly with amazing results. The activities you excel at reveal your natural gifts and talents.
Once you realize and capitalize on your talents your confidence goes up because you start to have more success and realize how talented you really are. You begin to recognize and take advantage of more opportunities to excel when you realize "Hey, I can do that!". Many people have little sense of their true talents and strengths or discover them late in life. Once you discover these natural talents you become immediately enlightened.
An easy to use tool has just been added to MyGoalManager.com's Achievement System that helps in determining and recording your true natural Talents and Strengths which form the foundation of your Goal Plan. This new section is included at no extra cost in the Goal Achievement System. You can use this tool now by logging in to your account at: http://www.MyGoalManager.com/login.aspx
Then click on the Menu Item under "Create Plan" called "Record Talents and Strengths".
Commit to putting your natural aptitudes into action now to achieve greatness and create an extraordinary life. How much time, effort, and money is it worth to know those activities and qualities with which you naturally excel? This could well be the most valuable exercise you ever do.
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