Complex Mother-Daughter Relations

My mum and I have always have a fraught relationship.

I grew up determined NOT to be like my mum. There was nothing she could say to me that was helpful, because (I felt) she had proven herself to be unreliable, tactless and overcritical.

Tonight, a strange thing happened.

We were having one of our occasional long-distance chats (I can't bring myself to call once a week; it's just too much) and I asked Beth to come on the phone and say thank you to Grandma for the stickers and other presents she had recently sent the girls through my cousin who went home for a visit.

Beth shook her head fiercely.

"I am only going to say four words," she announced.

And she did.

"Thank you for the stickers," she said - WITHOUT so much as a "Hello Grandma".

Okay, so that was five words.

My mum was upset. I was mortified.

My mum started to lecture me about Beth's manners and how she felt hurt that she had gone to all the trouble to put together the gifts for the girls, and here was Beth not even greeting her properly.

Then she started to suggest that I was failing in my maternal duty of disciplining my child.

At which point I cracked.

I cried. I sobbed. I blubbered. I said we'd been struggling with Beth since she turned 8 and she just wouldn't listen and she was so stubborn and though I scolded, nagged and lost my temper, it didn't change things etc etc.

Which is when the conversation took a curious turn.

[It's not the first time my firstborn's faults have been laid at my door. I reckon about 90% of the time, Beth doesn't want to talk to Grandma, and if she's forced to get on the phone, she says as little as she can. When Grandma does encounter Beth in a good mood (i.e. chatty, willing to have a conversation), I count it a lucky day.]

The mum I thought had nothing relevant or helpful to say suddenly became my ally and counselor.

First, Mum apologised for misjudging me.

Then she offered all sorts of advice - don't lose my temper, don't hit in anger, use the soft approach, get help from Beth's school teacher, don't give up, get spiritual guidance, keep praying, read the Bible with Beth. She assured me she would be praying for us.

She was practically gushing with the milk of motherly kindness, even sharing a touching account of Uncle Jerry's eulogy at his dad's funeral (his dad, and Aunty Eve's dad, passed away on Fri morning). Apparently Uncle J - our family ophthalmologist - used to be a bit of a challenge when he was a boy, skipping school and getting up to mischief and being something of a black sheep compared to his obedient, well-behaved siblings. He said his mum had no patience for his nonsense; it was his dad who was the patient one. He even said that if he had a son like himself, he would denounce him, which made his listeners laugh.

Perhaps that was Mum's way of telling me not to give up on Beth. In which case it was pretty powerful. I have to take a long view of things and remember that this is just one step in our journey with Beth. If I give up now, who will be there for her to guide her back on the right path?

Spoke with hubby after chat with Mum. He thinks part of Beth's problem is that she hasn't found herself yet. She's completely self-absorbed and needs something bigger than herself to engage her. I randomly mentioned asking Paul about local missions, perhaps an activity our family can commit to (monthly?) that puts us in contact with disadvantaged families and allows Beth to see other children her age who are genuinely doing it tough.

Something like how Pastor Edmund Chua in SG takes his family of four to India and other less developed countries every year during school hols to do mission work.

I googled EC and finally found his family website: http://www.e4chua.com.

A most worthy role model for all of us.

Making Friends Outside The Square

I've been called square all my life.

Be it in my dress sense, my taste in music, my academic leanings, I've tended towards conformity. I am nothing if not conservative. In my need for structure and sense, I am anal. I need things and people to fall into neat and predictable categories, so that I can understand them. If I ever have an offbeat idea, I am likely to revel in it for a few seconds, then push it to the back of my mind, and never go there again.

Today, I spent 3 hours with a 70 yo friend from church. She is a full-time artist whose work spans a huge range of subjects and emotions. Some I can relate to, like her landscapes. I've got one of them on my living room wall, right above our TV. Some of her work I cannot understand at all (or do not want to), like the ones she exhibited at Girls' Night In (in support of breast cancer sufferers) last year.

What is really interesting is how we have formed a friendship despite our 30-year age gap. It's something I would not have thought possible if I had remained in Sg. Other than my extended family members, I cannot remember any seniors taking an interest in or wanting to be actively involved in my family life.

We had a lovely Chicken Mornay for lunch, which she served in a white soup bowl (the kind with handles like you find in restaurants), and a kind of fork that I've never seen before. Eating soup with a fork is a first for me.

She showed me round her home and her art studio, and we went for a walk around the retirement village where she lives. We saw the rose garden, the playground (for the grandkids who come to visit), the clubhouse, pool, BBQ area... Such a peaceful and secure place and so beautifully maintained. I mentioned that we used to live on the other side of the fence when we first moved into the area. I told her I wouldn't mind living in a place like that when I get to the qualifying age (which is really only another 15 years)!

It was the conversations that really touched me. My family background. My personal colours (which I don't know because I've never done the colour thing; I have since learned that I am a Winter). Her observations of Beth from their time painting together at Sunday School. Her thoughts about our family. Her son, a Dux of school who majored in Law and Commerce but is now in charge of social work projects in Africa. The importance of not forcing our children to be what we expect of them, but freeing them to be what God has intended for them to be.

I believe God is gently drawing me into the lives of people I can make a difference to, and I know that in the process I am going to be stretched, shaped and molded beyond my imagination.

When is the right time to return to work?

I am coming to the conclusion that working in any other capacity save full-time work requires more effort, brain work, perseverance and resources than internet marketing ads promise.

Yesterday, CA and I discussed a recruitment ad in The Age for the position of complaints officer for the Commonwealth Ombudsman. He and I both think the job description suits me to a T.

The trouble, as usual, is that working in the City demands commuting time and distracts me from my family commitments. Maybe I am being too negative and perfectionist, wanting everything to work out perfectly before I will put a toe into the water. But I also know that I am not great at multitasking. I can't switch mindsets quickly and easily. I am not focused when I need to be.

Having this additional role in my life - full-time career woman - can easily cause a deterioration in the quality of my family relationships, which at the moment are my chief satisfaction. I won't be able to take Beth to swimming, go to the gym or hang out at home watching Veggie Tales with Jordanne. I will have to put Beth in after-school care, and I will feel guilty that I can't be as involved in her school life as I now have the luxury to do.

The consolation will be that our finances will be in much better shape, and I will also have an opportunity to re-engage with the corporate world. It's only been 5 years since I stopped "going forward" and "thinking outside the box", but if I wait another 5 years, I'll be 45 and it will be so much harder.

Making Friends Later In Life

It's true that the friends of our youth are the ones that stick the longest, but this week, I have experienced the joy and wonder of new friendships with unexpected individuals.

I am just so grateful that it is still possible to share deeply of one's life with a near-stranger without the benefit of age or phase-in-life similarities, and I plan to savour this connection for as long as both of us want it.

New Management

Hold the elevator, folks
A friend is moving on to the upper floors
Though we may see her face no more
You, World, must sit up and mind yourself
There's new management in the house.

Excerpt from Tribute: My First walk in 2009
A poem by Ali Kati

The link to this poem was posted by ShinsCancerBlog. SCB is the inspiring journal of Singapore wife and mother Shin Na, who passed away of breast cancer on 27 Jan 2009.

Are You Part Of The Team?

Last Sunday, our pastor said something that I can still remember one week on - a rare thing for me.

Speaking about teamwork and the future direction of HXUCA, he asked, "Are you ready to go from being part of the team to being part of the Dream Team?"

Here's my interpretation of what that means.

When you're part of the Dream Team, you belong with those who

• make things happen
• drive positive change
• exert strong moral influence in the community
• attract support from people who share your values and love what you do.

This week, Pastor expanded on the teamwork idea further when he wrote in the newsletter that when we suggest ideas and activities for the church, it should be with the understanding that we are prepared to put in the legwork to make it happen. We should not depend only on the Church Council, the Elders Council or the pastor.

To that end, blank sheets have been put up on the noticeboard in church to encourage members to write down ideas and activities that they want to see in 2009 for the following areas:

• Service and Outreach
• Worship
• Education
• Hospitality
• Fellowship

Action Challenge

What about you, are you part of the Dream Team in your place of work/service?

Love Yourself, Keep Yourself Safe

Missing Melbourne backpacker Britt Lapthorne has been found - and the outcome is every parent's worst nightmare.

No one can feel anything but sympathy and pain for her parents and brother. They are left with the heartbreaking reality of the loss of a beautiful 21 y.o. girl who was enjoying herself on holiday when she vanished from a nightclub in Croatia.

A journalist penned her personal thoughts in MXNews this week.

Commenting on the Britt Lapthorne case, she confessed that she had travelled to Croatia previously and had visited the very same nightclub. She admitted that when she was there, she had gotten carried away by the atmosphere and the fact that she was on holiday. She partied too much, drank too much; she was alone in a strange place. In other words, she put herself in a vulnerable position. She was fortunate to come home unscathed.

I thought it was brave and honest of her to say what she did. Perhaps her commentary can act as a wake-up call to other young travellers, particularly solo backpackers, not to take unnecessary risks in a strange country. By all means have your adventures, but remember that there are people who love you and who are waiting for you to come home safe and well.

Internet Connections

Once in a while, I get a comment on my blog(s).

When it's from someone I know, it tells me that someone is actually taking the trouble to keep up with what's going on in our lives.

Considering how hectic everyone's life is, that's really nice.

But sometimes, the comments come from complete strangers, who just happen to be surfing the Net, come across my blog, and decide to leave a comment.

Recently, I received an email from a lady back home, someone I don't know. She was surfing for information on delivering a baby at the Werribee Mercy Hospital (where I had Jordanne), and found my blog.

Amazing, when you consider there are at least 165 million sites out there, according to Netcraft's April 2008 survey.

The Internet certainly has a way of bringing down barriers and bringing people closer. The world feels somehow smaller and friendlier when two strangers find they have something in common and take steps to become acquainted.

That's cool as, in Aussie-speak.