Complex Mother-Daughter Relations

My mum and I have always have a fraught relationship.

I grew up determined NOT to be like my mum. There was nothing she could say to me that was helpful, because (I felt) she had proven herself to be unreliable, tactless and overcritical.

Tonight, a strange thing happened.

We were having one of our occasional long-distance chats (I can't bring myself to call once a week; it's just too much) and I asked Beth to come on the phone and say thank you to Grandma for the stickers and other presents she had recently sent the girls through my cousin who went home for a visit.

Beth shook her head fiercely.

"I am only going to say four words," she announced.

And she did.

"Thank you for the stickers," she said - WITHOUT so much as a "Hello Grandma".

Okay, so that was five words.

My mum was upset. I was mortified.

My mum started to lecture me about Beth's manners and how she felt hurt that she had gone to all the trouble to put together the gifts for the girls, and here was Beth not even greeting her properly.

Then she started to suggest that I was failing in my maternal duty of disciplining my child.

At which point I cracked.

I cried. I sobbed. I blubbered. I said we'd been struggling with Beth since she turned 8 and she just wouldn't listen and she was so stubborn and though I scolded, nagged and lost my temper, it didn't change things etc etc.

Which is when the conversation took a curious turn.

[It's not the first time my firstborn's faults have been laid at my door. I reckon about 90% of the time, Beth doesn't want to talk to Grandma, and if she's forced to get on the phone, she says as little as she can. When Grandma does encounter Beth in a good mood (i.e. chatty, willing to have a conversation), I count it a lucky day.]

The mum I thought had nothing relevant or helpful to say suddenly became my ally and counselor.

First, Mum apologised for misjudging me.

Then she offered all sorts of advice - don't lose my temper, don't hit in anger, use the soft approach, get help from Beth's school teacher, don't give up, get spiritual guidance, keep praying, read the Bible with Beth. She assured me she would be praying for us.

She was practically gushing with the milk of motherly kindness, even sharing a touching account of Uncle Jerry's eulogy at his dad's funeral (his dad, and Aunty Eve's dad, passed away on Fri morning). Apparently Uncle J - our family ophthalmologist - used to be a bit of a challenge when he was a boy, skipping school and getting up to mischief and being something of a black sheep compared to his obedient, well-behaved siblings. He said his mum had no patience for his nonsense; it was his dad who was the patient one. He even said that if he had a son like himself, he would denounce him, which made his listeners laugh.

Perhaps that was Mum's way of telling me not to give up on Beth. In which case it was pretty powerful. I have to take a long view of things and remember that this is just one step in our journey with Beth. If I give up now, who will be there for her to guide her back on the right path?

Spoke with hubby after chat with Mum. He thinks part of Beth's problem is that she hasn't found herself yet. She's completely self-absorbed and needs something bigger than herself to engage her. I randomly mentioned asking Paul about local missions, perhaps an activity our family can commit to (monthly?) that puts us in contact with disadvantaged families and allows Beth to see other children her age who are genuinely doing it tough.

Something like how Pastor Edmund Chua in SG takes his family of four to India and other less developed countries every year during school hols to do mission work.

I googled EC and finally found his family website: http://www.e4chua.com.

A most worthy role model for all of us.