Mum and Me

It's been an interesting 2 weeks with Mum visiting.

I still remember 4 years ago when she came to visit after Miss J was born. How stressful it had been having her share my physical space. How cramped, resentful and insecure I felt. How mortified I was when she barged into and dominated conversations and social situations involving church friends whom she had only just met.

What irked me most was that because of my upbringing and natural timidity, I hadn't the courage to speak up about how I really felt, and to say no to things I wasn't comfortable about.

My mum, you see, lacks a sensibility about boundaries.

As a result, she frequently intrudes on others' privacy without even knowing it. And if confronted, she responds with a hurt and bewildered air. She does this to members of the extended family and as a consequence, she is the marginalized one in the clan.

I have this theory, rightly or wrongly, that in every large family, there is invariably one older relative, usually single, usually female, who irritates everyone else and whom no one particularly warms to. But because they're family, they can't be completely ignored either.

In my family, that's Mum.

But I can't bring myself to explain to her why others feel offended and manipulated by her.

It would mean disclosing that I am privy to these sensitive conversations with the rest of the relations, and she would feel betrayed.

When Mum first announced that she was coming to stay, I kept hoping she would put off the trip or even change her mind about coming.

But here she is for 3 weeks.

And I've survived intact so far.

I would even be so positive as to say that 90% of the time, I am able to get along with her without feeling resentful or irritable like I normally do when we're under the same roof.

Perhaps God has been hard at work on the both of us, bringing us towards the middle ground, enabling us to focus on what we agree on rather than what divides us.

The girls have been a great connector and a lens through which I am able to see Mum in a different light.

Mind you, I am still not proud of how Mum manipulates people into doing things her way.

I wince when she makes remarks that reveal her racial, cultural and socio-economic prejudices about people she is meeting for the first time.

And I roll my eyes when she declaims to friends and acquaintances how she has helped us with household chores and babysitting Miss J when I'm out running errands.

When all's said and done, perhaps it's not about me vs. her but about making peace where possible and standing up for what's right where necessary.