Today is 29 April 2006.
Just 4 days ago, I bought a home pregnancy test kit on a whim (or a strong inner compulsion to KNOW) after missing my period by 4 days. My periods are usually regular. If I come on the 21st of Mar, I should come on 21st of Apr. Except for that time in Mar when I was supposed to come on 14 Mar and didn't come till 21 Mar, which got me all excited and confused when I tested negative during the 7-day delay.
Anyway, on Tue evening, I was running late to meet my hubby for dinner, but stopped by Watson's and then the loo because I just felt I had to KNOW. As I watched the indicator slowly change colour and one magenta strip appear on the right, I felt a faint sliver of hope, because the diagram on the packaging showed that a negative test would have a single magenta strip on the left. So much hope hinged on my not having misunderstood the instructions!
After that last disappointing outcome in Aug 05 (when I lost the baby at 8 weeks), I've been wavering between to-have and not-to-have. The reasons for stopping at one are so compelling: my daughter's independent now; I can focus on my writing and coaching; I don't have to stay up at night to nurse or cope with baby illnesses; I have finally regained my figure and enjoy receiving compliments about how I look etc. But mostly, it's about the freedom of having a kid who's old enough to have conversations with and to take instructions, yet young enough to hug and cuddle.
On the other end of the spectrum, Beth's been asking for siblings - she wants TWINS, one boy and one girl! And in her earnest childlike faith, she has gone straight to Jesus about it, so Mummy and Daddy have pretty little say about things. It looks like her prayers have been heard.
How do I feel? Physically tired. If my memory serves me right, I didn't feel as tired in my last pregnancy. I had the symptoms for about a week, then they were gone, and soon after that the bleeding started.
This time, tho' I'm only about 4 weeks along, I feel exhausted and breathless and am literally slowing down in my movements. I'm shuffling round the house like an invalid or an old lady; I lower myself gingerly into the couch and get off just as carefully; I feel the urge to lie down and have a nap every few hours; my appetite's off (last night, after stir frying beef with chye sim, I had no urge to eat any of it); my abdomen's twingy and bloated and my boobs are too sore to be touched.
I am thankful for the symptoms, because they validate my pregnancy (I've not seen my gynae yet). At the same time, I fear it'll mean a decline in my work productivity (I'm scheduled to do an interview for an article next week; how will I manage?) and my zest for life - at least till I'm over the first trimester and visibly showing.
Lord, into your hands I commit this new adventure. You are my Maker and you know all things. May your will be done. Help me be a willing and obedient partner in your plans for my family. Amen.
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