A New Vision

Something has changed after my time away in Sg.

It began with my conversation with a classmate I had not seen since we were in Sec 2 - 30 years!

Hearing her post-uni life story and reading the book she co-wrote with her husband woke me up from my spiritual stupor and made me want to get right with God again.

And I believe the work continues.

2015 will be a time of softening (of the heart), reshaping (of my vision, ambitions, plans) and returning to a right relationship with Him as the Center and Foundation of what I do.

Back to Basics

Highlight of today: being warmly welcomed by several of #2's classmates when I picked her up after school.

We have been away for 10 days and today was her first day back.

"Welcome back Mrs Tan!"

"Mrs Tan, you missed my birthday!"

"Mrs Tan, what did you do on your holidays?"

I felt so special, and really thank God for this privilege. What have I ever done to deserve such warmth from these children? I'm not their teacher, just a parent who reads with them once a week.

The other thing that really impressed me: these kids are so aware and so switched on. At 8-9 years, they are already noticing other adults and initiating conversation. When I was in Primary School, I don't think I ever initiated conversation with others - I waited for them to approach me. And I would certainly never have dared to talk to an adult in the friendly, cheery way these kids approached me. I love and admire their confidence and openness. It is a great trait, one I hope my kids can emulate.

The Pleaser's Dilemma

I was a born pleaser.

My aim in life was to avoid conflict and never ever do or say something that might offend someone.

Note that I use the past tense.

With a bit more enlightenment and a lot of personal development work, I am learning to say no, to suggest alternatives and to assert myself more and speak my truth.

It is very hard work though, because I'm basically unravelling a lifetime of learned behaviour and relearning a new way.

Recent example: in an email correspondence with my child's teacher, I vented my frustration about the school's tendency to "invite" students to take up extra learning opportunities without requiring them to do so e.g. GATEWAYS Festival of Workshops, Spelling Bee, Math Olympiad. My child said no to the first two, but hubby and I insisted she go for #3, and signed the consent form for it. I explained to the teacher that my child is the kind who avoids change, doesn't like things that are new and challenging, and only likes what she likes. I suggested that if the school made it compulsory for kids like her to take on additional work and learning opportunities, it would be better because then she couldn't say no. She has not yet developed the ability to think long-term and consider the repercussions of present desires and choices on her future, so she should not be given the option to say no to learning more.

I met with silence.

That was 11 days ago, and since then, I have been in an agony of self-doubt. I have prayed many times and surrendered the matter into God's hands for his resolution, because I am starting to feel somehow that I am one of those feared troublemaker parents who demand too much from schools. It got so bad I started to imagine that the teacher was avoiding me, because strangely, since I sent that email, I have not bumped into the teacher at school like I used to, when we would exchange a smile and wave.

Was I too blunt?
Should I have kept my frustrations and feedback to myself?
Perhaps the teacher thought I was criticizing their teaching style and decisions?

I read and re-read my email many times, ruing the day I had pressed "send" so hastily.

I had expected empathy and understanding and assurance, perhaps some advice from the perspective of an experienced educator.

After all, this teacher and I have established what I thought was a good working relationship since Term 1, and I had always felt comfortable emailing for updates on my child's progress.

Guess I hit a boundary.

Yesterday, I finally got angry. (Yes, I found my inner warrior.)

I read my email again and decided that I was perfectly within my rights as a parent to say what I said, and that if the teacher disagreed, surely they ought to reply and let me know their stand, and not just keep silent and avoid the whole thing.

How rude.

Then it happened.

Our paths finally crossed yesterday. We looked each other in the eye: he smiled and waved as though nothing was wrong. I smiled and waved back.

So maybe the matter has not been fully resolved, but at least some goodwill remains, and maybe this is one that I will have to let go.

Maybe the teacher is a pleaser too, and is choosing to avoid confrontation.

Now that is an interesting thought.

Discovering and Using Our God-given Gifts

I'm very blessed to be bilingual.

My Mandarin isn't the best, but being able to speak it fairly fluently has made it possible for me to connect with non-English-speaking families and to help them in a practical way.

Last week, we were in the middle of Coffee Club when I looked out the chapel and saw this Chinese-looking couple standing outside the gate, with a slightly puzzled expression on their faces, like, "Help!"

I went out and spoke to them in Mandarin. Turns out they are from China and were looking to enrol their child at our school for Term 4.

Before I knew it, I found myself taking them to the Admin Office, speaking to the staff about their request, helping them with paperwork and booking them in for an interview with the Principal.

Of course, as the hubby didn't speak English at all and the wife only haltingly, I volunteered to be their interpreter at the interview.

That was yesterday. My Mandarin was taxed to the limit when they asked the P about his vision for the College, and I had to be quite careful translating their queries about the School's ranking, priorities and values.

It was challenging but fun. I've made a new connection and practised my conversational Mandarin with people who speak it better than I do. They were offered a place for their child. Win-Win all round.

Today I got to do it again.

I overheard two members in my ladies' bible study talking about the need for A to see a TCM practitioner recommended by B. Neither A nor B speaks Mandarin, and the doctor doesn't speak much English. So I volunteered to help the lady make the appointment and accompany her to see the doctor.

Time to get out my Chinese-English dictionary again.

Thank you to the Singapore education system for its insistence on bilingualism.

I hope my children can be functionally fluent in at least one other language too, so that when the opportunity comes up to serve someone, whether privately or professionally, they will be able to do it.

Creativity and the Monthly Cycle

Made an interesting connection today.

I finally - after 3 months! - got the urge this morning to revisit my first draft of the book I'm writing.

And I wondered why. Why now? What is it about this particular day or week that seems to have awakened in me the desire to be creative and the impetus to actually do the thing I've been procrastinating and avoiding?

And then it occurred to me that it's been a week since I last had my period.
\
Meaning I'm at my most fertile.

Could that be it?

I've been reading Philippa Gregory's The Lady of the Rivers, a historical novel about the Duchess of Bedford who was a descendant of Melusina, the water goddess, and had the gift of Sight. Somewhere in the first pages was a mention of the significance of the lunar cycle, and my unconscious mind seemed to have made a connection between that and my sudden sense of being in flow.

I've not investigated further to see if there's any scientific backing for my new theory, but I wouldn't be surprised if there is something there.

Year 3: The Year It Finally Starts to Happen?

I've been told by more than one person that it takes a new business an average of three years to get up and running.

I did not understand that until recently.

It will be three years this July since I started Agnosco Training and Coaching (with people still calling it "Agnostic" or not being able to pronounce the word).

Year 1 was about getting over myself. The easy part was the external: the business cards, logo, vision and mission statement. The hard part was the self-doubt. Who was I to start a business when I had no business know-how, no list, no business plan and no strategy for getting out there and getting noticed?

Year 2 was about trial and error. I ran a couple of workshops from community centres, with attendances ranging from zero (the Goal Setting one) to 6 (for Confidence and Parenting). I experienced every possible emotion as I tried to articulate to others in my tiny and not very confident voice what it is I actually do, because all the while I had this huge cloud of negativity and self-doubt hovering over me. So I was sort of moving forwards with my big hairy audacious goal but also regressing every time my inner critic got louder than my desire to make a positive difference in my community.

At the same time, just by getting in the game and hanging in there, I was getting clearer about who I am and what I stand for, what I value and where I want to have the most impact.

Year 3 - some things have fallen away and other connections have strengthened.

Last July, I ran a parenting seminar on the Five Love Languages at church with a friend who trained at the same coaching school as I. It was well received, but then I did nothing for the rest of the year because I had nothing else to offer save my individual coaching packages, which was too big a leap for most people.

In the first quarter of this year, a seemingly random conversation on FB with another friend who had trained at the same coaching school (how do they keep popping up?) turned into a brainstorming session. It was an indicator of my willingness to bust through my fear boundary that I agreed to meet in Williamstown, a 30-minute drive away in a suburb I'd never driven to by myself before. We met a couple more times and got so enthused about our overlapping vision for parents that we committed to run a parenting seminar together: Raising Emotionally Healthy Kids. We then mapped out a strategy (and this is where we went further than I did in Year 2) that would allow us to go beyond the one seminar to offer our attendees much more depth, knowledge and application.

We had 6 very enthusiastic ladies turn up. At the end of the seminar, my friend offered them the opportunity to upgrade to a half-day workshop on Emotional Intelligence, and 3 signed up on the spot, with one lady signing her husband up as well.

We offered two timings: a Wednesday morning and a Saturday morning, after asking the attendees what days and times they preferred. So we now have two attendees committed to each of the half-day workshops, an intimate number which will allow us lots of room for improvement I'm sure.

In the meantime, a couple of friends mentioned that they would like to attend the parenting seminar but can only come on a Tuesday night. So we've organized a separate session for them, and promoted the event to our contacts. Last Sunday, I received a text from a lady I recently met, saying she and two friends would like to book in for this seminar. So we now have 6 attending the 2nd seminar.

I also have a lady who can only come on Tuesday morning, and I suggested to her that we run it from her home and she could invite her friends. She has a large social network with a strong word-of-mouth culture and I am looking forward to sharing my content with her and her friends.

Personal connection, which I had undervalued in Years 1 and 2, has started to pay off. I have recently been invited by an acquaintance who is a local business owner and has supported me in the past by allowing my event flyers to be displayed at his business premises, to speak at two events he is organizing. It's a win-win for both of us. He gets sponsorship and a guest speaker. I get to raise my profile locally.

Another local business owner, the owner of the dojo my child and I go to, distributed my event flyers to their school families. She is very selective about who she promotes, so I am grateful for her support. I guess it helps that I've been a regular for nearly 2 years now, both as a parent and as a student.

Then there are the small groups I belong to, some of which have individuals whose strength is championing others. They are happy to spread the word to their friends and contacts and do my marketing for me in a way I could not replicate, just because they share that special connection of trust and rapport with their friends.

We are now in the pleasant position of being booked out for May and June. This is a long way from even a few months ago, when I kept having to reschedule or cancel my venue bookings because of a lack of response.

So what have I learned?

(1) Don't go it alone. Find a partner to work with who shares your values and vision, the all-important WHY. Having a partner halves the work and the pressure, and doubles the creative output and fun.

(2) Keep serving and connecting where you are. You never know when a connection will lead to an opportunity. Do it with a clean intention of wanting to serve and make a difference, not because you hope to get something out of it. And when you finally do get the response you want, make sure you follow up and keep the connection alive with useful information and personalized contact.

(3) Believe in yourself and your vision. God has designed you with a unique purpose and fitted you for a job that only you can do. It may take longer than you expect, but it will be worth it.

(4) Stay in the game. Building a business and building relationships take time. People need to get to know you before they will trust you enough to buy your services or products. It's not about you. It's about human nature - it takes 7 exposures to something before the average buyer will consider saying yes. Meanwhile, get to know where people are in their lives and what they need, and find out if you have what can help them solve their problems. Keep getting seen and heard, keep refining your skills and content and offerings, so that when the time is ripe, they will know who to contact.

Had coffee with an amazing young woman today.

We met at a business luncheon a week ago and somehow fell into conversation while queuing for coffee, and struck up such a rapport that we swopped details immediately.

I was touched by her physical beauty and the care she took to present her best self, as well as a certain vulnerability and softness that I perceived in our initial encounter, and that she revealed even more of during our 2-hour conversation today.

The encounter is also a reflection of who I am becoming: three years ago, I probably would have been too much inside my own headspace to engage meaningfully at a similar event, much less offer to drive from here to Yarraville (23 km!) to meet for coffee, given my dislike of driving long distances and to unfamiliar places where parking may be a problem.

Had an incredible conversation with our head of Junior School this morning.

I had requested a meeting last term to discuss what some parents and I thought of as "not enough" awards being given to academically able students at the year-end assembly, and also a perceived lack of extension programs and opportunities for the academically able.

Two years ago, achievement awards were given to academically outstanding students, one in each year level.

Last year, the criteria changed. The achievement award went to one student in each year level who had struggled academically. No awards were given for academically outstanding students, except for a Dux of Junior/Middle School award.

Some parents were disgruntled about the change in criteria and the fact that their children who had worked very hard all year and were at the top of their class had missed out on being formally recognized for their achievements.

Today I learned that the school is adopting the philosophy of a Growth Mindset and Intrinsic over Extrinsic Awards.

Extrinsic Awards are the mentions at assembly, recognition and prizes you receive for doing well.

Intrinsic Awards are for character and qualities: courage, resilience, friendship...the things that cannot be seen and measured easily.

The school feels that when children graduate into the workforce, they will not always receive promotions or praise from their employers, so why encourage a culture of always expecting to be rewarded for doing well? Children should do well because they love learning and want to excel for its own sake.

So from now on, the emphasis is on Intrinsic Awards while achievements will be celebrated within the class.

Not sure how such a philosophy will sit with academically rigorous countries like Singapore, where it's all about the marks and distinctions. Also, it will be interesting to see how the academically able students respond. Will they switch off if no one tells them they are doing exceptionally?

More exciting: the school is offering two new programs this year to encourage academically able and aspiring students to extend themselves in literacy and numeracy.

A reading program is also being rolled out at the Year 2 level, with students being divided into small groups for reading three times a week with a teacher or parent helper.

I've been asked if I'd like to lead some of the groups, and was assured that I would be properly trained for the role.

I then asked if the school has a leadership program in mind for the students, and shared with her about Stephen R. Covey's The Leader in Me book and program. She flicked through the book and expressed interest in the ideas, so I said she could hold on to the book and take her time with it.

On my way out, the head asked what else I have planned for the day.

I said I was going home to write my book, and told her a bit about Reinvent Your Life at Any Age. She said maybe I could come in and talk to the older students about the book writing and research process.

So thrilled, humbled and grateful that my love of learning and belief in the potential of young people is now being given an opportunity to be put in service.

I am learning the timeless truth of Matthew 7:7 in all its simplicity. "Ask, and you will receive. Seek, and you will find. Knock, and the door will be opened to you."

I am also learning about the power of enthusiasm and self-belief and just putting yourself out there in service to others.

God is opening doors this introverted, tongue-tied and under-confident person would never have dared knock on, much less expect would open.

How an app helps Christian sportsmen maintain their faith on the field

Blessed be the Lord, who has surely heard my cries and prayers.

Slowly but surely, He is shaping B into a young woman after his own heart.

Last Sunday when our family hosted morning tea at church, B ran around collecting used coffee cups, cleaned tables and helped out with a cheerful demeanour that made me weep happy tears inside.

There was a time not too long ago when she would refuse to step up when it was time to help. The change is so wonderful to see, and I marvel at how far she has come in the last few months.

For most of 2013, she was often sullen, defiant and had such an embedded sense of entitlement that I despaired of my parenting ability.

Now she greets me with a hug on waking up, and we engage in spontaneous conversations about the IB program, Dave and Phil, Troy Savans, Tyler Oakley, YouTube happenings, global poverty and her latest creative writing ideas.

Today when I complained about my sore neck and shoulder, she Googled the topic, then sat me down, massaged my neck to locate the knots, and instructed me through a set of stretching exercises.

Next she helped me take down all the old photos from the wooden divider that served as family photo board, even locating the right screwdriver for the job, and rattled off terms like "flathead" and "jimmy". Got potential to be a handywoman, this one.

We talked about vision boards - she wants one for her room. Played badminton for the first time - she praised my playing (amazing! praise from my normally blunt and sarcastic daughter!).

I'm just waiting for the transformation to "kind, helpful big sister" and "okay, maybe going to a different school for Year 7 is not such a bad idea".