The Pleaser's Dilemma

I was a born pleaser.

My aim in life was to avoid conflict and never ever do or say something that might offend someone.

Note that I use the past tense.

With a bit more enlightenment and a lot of personal development work, I am learning to say no, to suggest alternatives and to assert myself more and speak my truth.

It is very hard work though, because I'm basically unravelling a lifetime of learned behaviour and relearning a new way.

Recent example: in an email correspondence with my child's teacher, I vented my frustration about the school's tendency to "invite" students to take up extra learning opportunities without requiring them to do so e.g. GATEWAYS Festival of Workshops, Spelling Bee, Math Olympiad. My child said no to the first two, but hubby and I insisted she go for #3, and signed the consent form for it. I explained to the teacher that my child is the kind who avoids change, doesn't like things that are new and challenging, and only likes what she likes. I suggested that if the school made it compulsory for kids like her to take on additional work and learning opportunities, it would be better because then she couldn't say no. She has not yet developed the ability to think long-term and consider the repercussions of present desires and choices on her future, so she should not be given the option to say no to learning more.

I met with silence.

That was 11 days ago, and since then, I have been in an agony of self-doubt. I have prayed many times and surrendered the matter into God's hands for his resolution, because I am starting to feel somehow that I am one of those feared troublemaker parents who demand too much from schools. It got so bad I started to imagine that the teacher was avoiding me, because strangely, since I sent that email, I have not bumped into the teacher at school like I used to, when we would exchange a smile and wave.

Was I too blunt?
Should I have kept my frustrations and feedback to myself?
Perhaps the teacher thought I was criticizing their teaching style and decisions?

I read and re-read my email many times, ruing the day I had pressed "send" so hastily.

I had expected empathy and understanding and assurance, perhaps some advice from the perspective of an experienced educator.

After all, this teacher and I have established what I thought was a good working relationship since Term 1, and I had always felt comfortable emailing for updates on my child's progress.

Guess I hit a boundary.

Yesterday, I finally got angry. (Yes, I found my inner warrior.)

I read my email again and decided that I was perfectly within my rights as a parent to say what I said, and that if the teacher disagreed, surely they ought to reply and let me know their stand, and not just keep silent and avoid the whole thing.

How rude.

Then it happened.

Our paths finally crossed yesterday. We looked each other in the eye: he smiled and waved as though nothing was wrong. I smiled and waved back.

So maybe the matter has not been fully resolved, but at least some goodwill remains, and maybe this is one that I will have to let go.

Maybe the teacher is a pleaser too, and is choosing to avoid confrontation.

Now that is an interesting thought.