What do you call the place between a valley and a peak?
I've no idea, but I do know I spend a lot of time there, struggling not to stay too long in the cauldron of I-could-kick-myself moments, and grizzling about the chaos of the present.
I hate chaos.
The domestic kind must be the worst. I'm not particularly gifted in organizing and managing the household, and only occasionally feel a need to sort, organize and restore order. By that time, of course, the task requires Herculean effort, which makes me even more grouchy.
My hubby thinks I do very little housework at all.
Yesterday, for instance, I managed to unpack a few boxes, which contributed noticeably to the improved amount of walking space in the dining room, and he was all praise. Today, I was only able to tick some minor items off my to-do list (make appointment with optometrist to get Beth fitted for glasses, unpack and sort toiletries, see that gardener removes dead trees), and he joked that perhaps I had merely shifted things from one part of the room to the other!
Obviously, we need to work on our expectations...
I question my motives for being a SAHM every now and then. I sometimes wonder if I've chosen this path primarily to escape the rigours of corporate life (a cop-out?), or to devote myself to the family.
I have to work hard at being a nurturing mum as it doesn't come naturally. I'm not one of those mums who are happy to spend all day playing with and attending to the kids. And I definitely don't cope well with having other people's kids over without notice.
I survive on a curious mix of "being there" without always being there.
If you know what I mean.
In the sweet moments when I am fully present with the kids (and they know when that is, esp J, who is all sweetness and light when I'm paying attention to her, but grizzly and whiny if I multitask), I know I've made the right decision. But when I'm itching to write or to curl up and read The Age (okay, maybe just the My Career or Domain sections) without someone hanging on to my leg or demanding to be carried or wanting help in the toilet, I wonder if I've made the wrong decision.
Time is hurtling by more quickly than ever, each year is more exhausting than the one before, and it'll be another 4 years before J is as independent as Beth is now.
Can I take another 4 years of this?
When is a good time to get going on my business and career aspirations?
Is there even a "good" time?
